Alone vs lonely

When i was about 16 years old I read the book Into the Wild by John Krakauer. Most people know the story these days because it was recently made into a film directed by Sean Penn. I watched the movie this weekend and while it didnt do the same for me that the book was able to, it conjured up some of the same feelings that i remember from that point in my life. The book is the story of Chris McCandeless, a young about the same age as I am now who decides to erase his identity and make his way accross the country without any kind of money or plan beyond reaching Alaska where he will live alone "in the wild" as he called it. He is extreme in his actions, thoughts, and quite radical with his approach according to most standards. But as I read about the story of his journey I couldnt help but identify with him more than not and began to wonder if he was not radical at all but that the standards of the things around us have become the most radical. I respect him most for the fact that he was very well read, he understood the value of his education which is apparent with his incredibly reflective and well-formed thoughts in his journal, and he was also a dedicated runner which to me shows an apparent strength of will and also that he demanded the best from himself. He had reason and logic and still chose to live a life that most could not handle for even a day. It was quite interesting to note the differences in how i percieved this larger than life character now that I have more years behind me and what surprised me the most was that if anything i understand him more now than i did then but for completely different reasons. He grew up in a broken home, the child of an alcoholic and abusive father, and witnessed some of the ugliest of what people are able to be, on a daily basis. Anyone would run from this. On a very primal level, this need to escape and get away is an urge that most of us will fight at some point. I remember at the age of 5, i packed my minnie mouse suitcase and headed out the door. I only made it 2 blocks where i parked it beneath the branches of a large pine tree but remembering this so vividly to this day makes me thing that some of us just have this pull. A desire to be alone or to at least find some place of solitude where our thoughts can be our own. Where reflection doesnt mean you are ignoring others or missing out on something...

A few days after i read Into the Wild, i also read Tuesday's with Morrie by Mitch Albom.
He hadnt become a literary Starbucks at this point which i can be thankful for because i tend to avoid most of those phenomenons even if they are worthy of my time. The point of mentioning this is that the two books are based on completely contradictive methods of finding oneself and it was quite the mindfuck for someone such as myself in the middle of teenagedom. I remember being so stuck in the question of whether or not it was ourselves or the people around us that should be the anchor, whether or not we could find any kind of permanent answers that would give us solace at our weakest moments, whether being alone meant being lonely or if there were some kind of balance to this life of solitude that has always seemed to quietly draw me in. The kind of work that I want to do relies on this idea of connecting with others, of seeing the ugliness that we present and choosing to focus my efforts on the good that we are capable of. But it is possible to be surrounded by people and still be alone in many ways. If things go as planned I will depart for Sub-saharan Africa in November of the coming year to begin a 2 year service in the Peace Corps. It has surprised me the amount of people who have asked me how i am able to do this, just pick up and leave for such a long time and go put myself in such a new and different world. At first I thought it was because this was the most logical step towards really getting to do the kind of photography I wanted to. It would push me and give me a chance to really challenge myself to understand the kinds of situations that I believe I am willing to put myself in. The closer I get to this reality, the more honest I feel i have to be when i say that it is about this but also about the idea of the horizon. I feel compelled to go further and farther, to push myself to rethink these ideas that have become too concrete in my mind. Perhaps this is selfish but my desire to help others is no less sincere because of it. It seems that the point where Chris McCandeless and I differed the most is in the fact that I treasure the connections with the people who are closest to me so deeply that this time I face apart from them doesn't frighten me. They understand this part of me and embrace it, while I cannot say I understand it even now I am determined to use it in whatever way i can in my life to make it something that propels me in a positive direction.

Alan Berliner

This was easily my favorite guest lecturer that has come during the last 3 years. I really appreciated that the film itself was what he showcased instead of a bunch of worthless stories about how he grew up or where he went to school. I think most of the time in situations like lectures people feel like they have to sell themselves somehow so i have enormous respect for the fact that he allowed his work to do the majority of the talking. The issues brought up in "Nobody's Business" like identity, family, responsibility, as well as social responsibility and connection are all things that I tend to be drawn to and pursue in my own work. There was an immense sense of control, compassion, intent, perspective, and sincerity that gave the film a necessary foundation and backbone. It would be easy to lose hold of the audience at countless times if something got too personal but i felt that he had a very acute sense of how to use the film with the audio that he had gotten from his interviews. There is really no other word besides amazement when I thought of the amount of time and energy that went into finding so many vintage clips as well as the background information from his own family. His use of humor was also an essential key to keeping the film interesting and enjoyable considering most of the topics that were discussed (loneliness, a broken family and marriage, and even the holocaust) all have the ability to really change the direction and feeling of the film. He intelligently and articulately managed to somehow cover all of these things and leave without any feelings of sadness, loss, or resentment.

For me, the most powerful part of this story was his ability to relate his own story to that of millions of others. He found common themes within his father's story and by understanding that this was also his own story he was able to relate it to every single person that ended up watching the film. I have come to believe that humility and understanding how small I am in relation to all the other things that exist out there is one of the greatest emotions I can experience. He tapped on this over and over again whether it was the way he chose to lay out a shot or the way he sequenced the interviews... and somehow he brought me back to those feelings. He was never pushy or preachy. His subtlety in mixing all of these ideas blended with his father's brazen charm made this a film that I would readily watch again but also a film that is worth examining because he really is amazing at his craft.

another

I was listening to NPR this afternoon (yes i listen to public radio and i find it incredibly informative and even stimulating) when I caught the interview with a photojournalist named Robin Bowman who has worked for Magnum most of her career covering social conflicts throughout the world and recently shifted her focus to the United States and a self motivated project called "It's Complicated" just released in a book.


http://www.soros.org/initiatives/photography/movingwalls/13#bowman

the website also contains links to some other amazing photography projects that are currently underway as well as opportunites for grants and funding.

tentative series

Looking for some feedback on these images. Let me know which ones you like and which ones need to go. Im still planning on shooting a lot but i've marked the four that I am printing to have ready for Anderson.
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Images

this blog is the s*hit

http://blog.noahkalina.com/

he is one of the previously mentioned paperbrigade alumni. I decided to check up on some of the photographers and find out what they have been up to in the last few years. This blog is witty, interesting, has good music, and great articles. Its one of the few that ive seen which dont come off annoying or too uncomfortably personal like mine tend to.

Highland Park

It is strange to be in a moment that you know is going to change you. When I first came into Highland Park i was amazed at the amount of houses that were condemned and abandoned; the next thing i noticed was despite this disrepair the neighborhood was still beautiful and had some sense of what it used to be. Rachel and I decided to go for a drive because it was such a nice day and she knew that I would love this area... she was right. I have such an addiction to places like this because they are so much more authentic and real than places like the Fan or Monument. Perhaps I just have a need to see things that are different from me to get some perspective but without a doubt, Highland Park did that today. I walked up to a porch where there were kids playing outside and there were three women sitting together talking. Two sat holding canned meat and crackers while the third, who i would find out was "Ms. B" smoked her cigarette. I was denied photos initally, which was fine. I just wanted to talk to them anyway and get an idea of where they stood on some things. All it really took was asking them how they felt about richmond and an hour later I was still there talking to them and they had agreed to let me get a few photos as long as I ok'd the ones i chose to use. I know im supposed to be objective but this was too much to keep that part of myself shut off. some of the things they said put a lump in my throat and made me want to punch someone all at the same time. Things as simple as being able to buy food that isnt rotten and overpriced, or being able to send their kids to a school that wont have teachers who bribe the students with good grades to give them drugs. My little middle class brain was spinning. I cannot understand this kind of life and quite honestly I felt ignorant when i was talking to them. Ms. B said that it was so different when she was younger and the neighborhood changed when the police got crooked and parents started losing control of their kids. I can't say that I have any answers for any of this stuff, she said that people only listen when there are a lot of them, but if its just one or a couple they get ignored... seems that most things work that way. Putting money into communities isnt always an answer and moving people out can't be the solution either because that just means theyre forced into their families homes, shelters, the streets, or a car. The halfway house on the corner of the block sits three houses down from a drugdealer who is kind enough to make housecalls. Its not an easy thing to walk into some of these places and can be downright stupid. But so far, these people have been incredibly warm and open with me, and its taught me a lot. Its forced me to look at my own ideas about what it means to be successful and the kinds of things that pass me by when i am not taking the time to pay attention to it. Its so easy to miss out on the things that Im not looking for and today was one of those days where I walked away with more hope instead of less. Near the end of our conversation Ms. B's daughter said "somebody gotta start somewhere" and I know meeting them today makes me feel even more determined to make this series work.

Im not with the FBI

Today was fantastic. Beautiful weather and the kind of day where going out to shoot is hard not to do. I decided to head across 95 and go into some neighborhoods I didnt know about (possibly stupid but i went anyway). I saw a group of men sitting outside in a yard and mustered up the courage to approach them. I must say I have few recollections of a less warm reception but I did it anyway- character building or something lame like that. Either way after a few akward moments and me giving my little "im a student/im not a cop" speech one of the men agreed to talk with me and we walked down the street towards his home. I spoke with another younger guy who was doing yardwork and a family that I gave my number to in the hopes that they might actually call me. Why is it always the families that take my number and dont want photos? its free photos of your kids... dont people eat that shit up? anyway I continued on into Church Hill where i immediately found a couple and their three dogs who were willing to be photographed as well. From there I basically wandered the area looking for people on their porches or in the street. I must say today I made a lot of new friends and only got hit on a couple of times... hopefully the photos and audio are legit too. I got a lot more mixed reactions as well. I was starting to believe that most people were upset with Richmond for the way the city was handling renovation and its "facelift" but today proved me quite wrong. I met several residents that really enjoyed Richmond and were happy with the changes being made... especially in Church Hill. Remembering where all these homes are so I can give them copies of their photos will be an effort for a mind such as mine but I am feeling really good about where this series is heading and I'm going to try to shoot some more in the early evenings this week so I have a good amount before Spring Break. As I was leaving at one point a guy asked me what I do for fun and I told him "this". and i meant it.



oh and also at the same house they informed me that they had shot and killed an intruder the year before.
... yea.